Letter to a friend (pre-Lilah): Not for the faint of heart

So as a promise to the author of my last blog for using his material, I have to publish this. This is not exactly something I had planned on sharing, but after a couple of martinis and a few dick stories later I have decided that you are ready for this. Again this story is unfortunately true and though I will probably regret telling you this tomorrow, tonight its pretty goddamn funny or so I´ve been told. So sit back, read on, and welcome to my world.

Hey
You would have found this out sooner or later. I'm sorry that I couldn't muster up the courage to tell you this story last night but my machismo among other things had been so recently bruised. Anyway, I got a lot of sun yesterday on my face and shoulders so I decided to shave my head with the electric clippers so as to reduce the heat gain and to try and distribute the sun a little better. CAN´T HAVE TAN LINES. Anyway I finished with that and then decided since I already had the clippers out to take care of a few other overly hairy spots.
So I trimmed up my armpit hairs to cool down a little and since I am going to see you soon I decided to tame the jungle of pubic hair that I had going on. Now I wasn't exactly excited at this point, little Kevin was feeling small, there was a slight breeze in the air. I mean it wasn't as though you were there shaving me or something so I was as flacid as I can get, I think you're starting to get the picture. Anyway, to make a short story longer, in that state of ...relaxation so to speak there tends to be an excess of skin that accumulates right in the area that I needed to trim. So I am merrily trying out different hair styles, I can never just cut any hair on my body without gradually trying out different styles along the way for my own amusement,from the affro to the fade to the mohawk...to the Hitler love patch... you get the idea. So I am amusing myself, trimming away, contemplating leaving one of these pubic masterpieces for you to get a laugh out of. Now mind you... I have done this several times before in my life and the relationship that I and my clippers have is one of mutual respect, love, and understanding. We've been through alot together, but I think that I might have called it a name recently in frustration when it bound up from overuse without being oiled. Whatever the reason it had apparently been biding its time (I obviously hadn't trimmed my pubic hair in a while) for the perfect
opportunity to repay me for whatever hurt I had caused it and it was apparently pissed off and bloodthirsty. So scenario set, there I am chuckling to myself at what a card I am for such wackyness, wishing you were here to share in my mood when all of a sudden it lashed out at me. The combination of my underexcitedness and the fact that my guard was down gave it ample opportunity to wreak the revenge that had apparently been festering inside it for weeks now. It caught me right at the base, in one of the folds. I'm honestly not sure you have seen me in a state of complete flacidity because you elicit some form of arousal in me pretty much every time I see you, but what seemed like a little nick turned out to be not so little. The only thing i can
liken it to is cutting out snowflakes in folded paper. Luckily I pulled it away at just the right time because from the looks of it my clippers were going for the ¨John Wayne Bobbit¨ if you know what I'm saying. So there I am astounded at the attack I had just recieved and horrified at the now gushing wound that lay before me and thinking "they didn't cover this in my first aid class". So I then went into survival mode making several possible attempts to stem the blood flow I applied pressure and then thought to myself how the hell am I going to bandage this? That is when genius struck me...a condom. They're made just for containing bodily fluids in just such an area. So grinning to myself at my brilliance and holding my dick wrapped in tissue paper i went to find one. Now the one thing that apparently didn't occur to me was the state of things when I usually put on a condom. Usually... lets say... i'm a little more....proud. All I found was ribbed Trojans, ( not going to be for anyones pleasure today )so I began the unbelievable task of trying to put a condom over the tissue onto my limp, bleeding penis. Here is where the machismo issue comes into play...it wouldn't stay on. After like 5 minutes of wrestling with this thing trying to put it on without causing myself any more pain, it just fell off, like I wasn't even there. I was crushed. I came close to tears, but I had no time to weep there was still a bigger issue or I guess smaller issue in hand. I still had to figure out a way to bandage myself. So i thought "alright i don't want to do this but i think
i'm going to have to put medical tape on myself¨. The mere thought of pulling it off in a couple of days made me cringe as i searched around for some gauze and tape but bleeding to death with my dick in my hand didn't sound all that appealing either. Well for the same reason that the condom didn't work... well let me explain this a little further. I bandaged it tightly confident that I had a secure wrap on things, but then i just got more flaccid. I didn't think that it was possible... but it was yet another crushing blow to my ego. The bandage just fell off like the condom. So close to tears again and feeling betrayed by everything, sitting on the edge of the tub, heads in my hands I glanced up to the medicine cabinet to see the only band aid that was apparently left in the house (I had looked before the condom trial but couldn't find one) in a box with a picture of Darth Maul from Star Wars on it. Unfortunately being the last one in the box it wasn't one of the cool characters... but it worked. So when you called me last night i had just dressed my wound and now not so proudly was wearing a band-aid with a picture of Princess Amadalla on my dick. That is why I couldn't tell about it last night. Having so freshly received a series of crushing blows only to wind up with a frilly little pink bandage on my penis was a little too much to cough up to you when the shock hadn't worn off yet. I think things will be fine if that is your next question, it seems as though the princess is using "the force" and everything is healing nicely.
I hope your day is well.
your loving princess
Kevin