Letters To Friends: 2003 "Pregnancy"

Hey,
I've been a little busy lately as you may have surmised, but i
figured that I'd take a moment to let you know what I'm up to. I've been
going to Hypno-birthing classes for the past couple of
weeks and have seen more misshapen, contorted vaginas in these
classes then I had ever hoped to see in my life. I guess that is
all part of the life process and all but why do I have to pay to
see videos of large women grunting as though they have been on a cheese-only diet for the past 9 months only to culminate in an event that makes even the most confident of males feel inadequate.
To boot, the instructor is this voluptuous blonde, who, at one point in the class was rubbing her own erect nipples while trying to explain to us idiot guys how to massage our womens' erogenous zones. A little late on that lesson darlin'. We've all gone down that road already. I think that she was just taking perverse pleasure in torturing a group of guys who are sitting next to their pregnant women by doing a lot of deep hip bending, cleavage shots, and nipple rubbing. Like dealing with the misfortune that having a partner in the third trimester plays on our sex lives isn't enough...
That is not really the problem though. The issues that I have been having arise from the fact that my gastro-intestinal tract seems to either enjoy or hate
(I haven't quite figured it out yet) this class. Everything goes
really well until they make us do these little exercises which
involve deep relaxation. That is when things start to go awry. Everything
is silent and the lights are low. The instructor is talking in a
soothing voice, coaching us into a deeper state of relaxation, when
all of a sudden my stomach starts letting out noises that I can
only liken to a large animal going through the immense pain of a
long, drawn-out death. Then my bowels start to churn like a washing
machine, with the instructor soldiering on with verses like "when I
count to three you are going to be twice as relaxed as before".
Twice as relaxed as before!?!? Are you deaf lady ? I'm gritting my
teeth and the guy next to me is giving me nervous sideways glances
knowing full well that I am about to pollute his happy-place, and you want me to relax more? SO, i'm laying on the ground trying to be as inconspicuous as possible as images of this instructor rubbing her own nipples with the burrito I had for lunch keep flashing into my head, and I try to hold back 5 cubic feet of compressed air. Needless to say I'm far from relaxed.
This has happened to me all of the times that I have gone to this class. I start having weird images of the instructor and my lunch, then I get the worst gas I have ever had in my life. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore, this is one of the toughest predicaments that I have encountered thus far with the pregnancy and I still have 5 more weeks of classes. I may not ever know the pain of childbirth but I think that I am coming close.
So how's things with you?