Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods

Heard enough lately? Me too, but here is my take on things. This is a viewpoint that Fox news or People magazine aren’t going to let out to the masses, but I think you are ready to deal with this.

Tangential Point #1: I have come to a point in my life that I have started to keep a mental “boycott list” of manufacturers that piss me off in their advertising practices. It started some 10+ years ago in southern California where I started to notice that most advertising in that region had a very insulting air about it. Market research must have revealed that the major demographic were slack-jawed hippy surfers that needed to be ridiculed into buying specific products. The inanity of some of these campaigns made me think that there was someone within these organizations that secretly wanted to bring it down from the inside. I could almost hear their thinking “lets market to the intelligence level of the people who care the least about our product and couldn’t afford it even if they do.” Brilliant! Now, I’m obviously not saying that I am Mr. High-Brow here or anything, I just don’t like to be talked down to, especially by people trying to get money out of my pocket.

Tangential point #2: Sex Sells. A theory that has been proven in marketing over and over again to the point that scads of companies whose products have nothing to do whatsoever with sex are trying desperately to link the two together to unload product. You know the type of ad where some perky, sweaty, scantily clad woman huskily tells you to buy the product while staring you down with her bedroom eyes. They are all over the place and again not just limited to products involved in sports. Companies scramble to tie sex to their product to the point that I am now getting turned on by cleaning product advertisements while checking my e-mail. Sad.

Now lets talk about Golf. Its Not a real sport. I play golf, and I’ve played real sports and golf is not a real sport. A game that does not require you to break a sweat is not a real sport (frustration sweat doesn’t count). Golf is a game that has become popular as a minimal-energy-expending business medium. If it is a sport then it is the only sport that brazenly involves the promotion of drinking and driving. That wasn’t some pun incorporating golfing lingo, I’m talking about the refreshment cart that follows you around the links haunting your every slice and bunker shot, tempting you into thinking that maybe you just need to loosen up with a couple double Bloody Marys to relax into your game. Which means by hole nine you are most likely not blowing under the legal limit yet still allowed to recklessly drive your cart around to try and locate your ball. but I digress.

So here comes Tiger Woods , young , African-Asian, man taking the world by storm by dominating a typically Caucasian game, surrounded by fame, fortune, and probably countless more propositions for sex than I have ever received in my lifetime. He single-handedly broke through some of the obvious vestiges of racism by forcing the private golfing clubs to support and welcome him into their inner sanctum as their hero. Tiger put golf on the map and has retained his title of reigning superstar in the game. He has made millions of dollars for himself and his sponsors. The very same sponsors who have used some form of sexual appeal in their advertising practices for years before Tiger signed on.

At risk of losing some of you here and while I am not condoning infidelity, I still have to say …“go get ‘em Tiger“. Isn’t he, after all the money and fame are stripped away, just human? He took a game, A GAME, made millions with it, has women throwing themselves at him left and right and now he’s supposed to be like a fat, hungry, kid locked in a candy store who’s told he cant eat anything or more accurately like the one eunuch they forgot to snip at the Roman Orgy. He was thrust, partially at least, into this limelight by his sponsors who are now all abandoning him because he actually went out and finally used his fame to get a little action. So, my question to you is why the hell are the advertisers upset with Tiger? He has mastered a popular game, bridged the huge gap between golf and sex, lived up to the image portrayed in all of his commercials and towed the company line. He did all the work for his sponsors… and they drop him? Hypocrites!! I think that he should get a fucking raise. Why don’t companies just come right out and admit that they try to use sexual appeal to sell their product (as though it is some big secret) , and stand behind the man that they made? Big business is missing out on a giant opportunity to appeal to a wider consumer base. If I were in advertising right now I would be ridiculously open about this and be selling a shit-load of products. Here’s how some of my ads might sound

“TRY PING GOLF CLUBS”
(said in corny old-time announcer voice)
“THEY GOT THIS GUY SUPER-LAID”
pan over to Tiger getting pawed at by scantily clad women while trying to make an easy putt. Tiger looks up at the camera into the eyes of every-day-Joe golf-watching America and gives his best toothy smile while blindly sinking the put at the same time.
(Tighten camera in on Tiger and putter only)
As he hears the sound of the ball hitting the bottom of cup he throws his head back in laughter then looks up at the camera again holding his putter in front of him and says:
“I DRIVE MY BALLS INTO THE HOLE…WITH PING CLUBS”
Tiger then bursts into laughter again as women’s panties rain down all over him and all you can hear is dozens of women excitedly squealing and calling out his name.
(zoom into the club barely seen under a pair of pink lacy underwear)
(announcer’s voice again)
“BUY PING CLUBS NOW…THEY’LL TURN YOU…INTO A PLAYER”

Or how about this one for Nike:

Scene: (close up of Tiger) Tiger Woods drives a nice straight shot straight down the fairway then begins effortlessly jogging down the fairway with a club in his hand (pan camera out to include crowd of scantily clad women that breaks through the tape and chases after him screaming his name)
Cut camera to front shot of tiger, grinning from ear to ear, jogging toward the camera and women frantically catching up with him in the background.
(same over exaggerated announcer voice)
“NIKE SNEAKERS…BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE YOU ARE PLAYING HARD TO GET”
Cut to women catching him and dragging him to the ground while tearing off his clothes.
(close camera in on Tiger’s still grinning face)
(Tiger says while laughing) “OK, OK, LADIES” as all the women freeze “DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH ME BUT LEAVE MY NIKES ALONE”
(pan camera out while Tiger again throws his head back in laughter and gets rained on by panties as the pawing continues)
(announcer voice) “NIKE SNEAKERS…JUST KEEP DOING IT”

There is even room for new advertisers to get on board with this style campaign:

Scene: Tiger squatting on the green, lining up his putt. He stands, walks over to where his ball marker is, puts his ball down, picks up what he thinks is the marker and is surprised when it turns out to be a condom with a phone number written in woman’s hand writing on it. Tiger looks around him at the crowd and notices a scantily-clad, perky, young, female caddy standing right next to him staring at him lasciviously. Tiger throws his head back and laughs
“TROJAN CONDOMS…WE WON’T COVER YOUR ASS FOR YOU, BUT….

Anyway you get the idea. Where was I going with this again? Oh yeah, So WHY are we demonizing this individual? He did what they wanted. I see nothing but stories about how bad he has it and bullshit about how he is going to give up golf. We should all boycott the advertisers that dropped Tiger until they re-endorse him and give the man a raise, for he alone is the inspiration of golf-watching sofa-jockeys everywhere who can now muster the energy to get out of the house and actually play the game with the hope that maybe it will improve their chances in the gene pool. As a matter of fact that’s all I have to say… I am going to go hit a bucket of balls now.